Click—Boom
by nekokenna
Summary: Depression/suicide...thing. Based on Aaron Burr. More details on the inside.


**Hey guys. So, a bit of an explanation before you read this. I didn't write this because I have depression or suicidal thoughts, but I have had depression before, and I guess I just am maybe starting to feel like that again? Maybe? Idk. I just feel like something seems kinda off...like everything's moving really fast and I'm stuck overthinking every single thing I say or do because I'm overly insecure. If you have any idea what I'm talking about plz help cause I don't. These are just my thoughts on a page. I put it in Hamilton because I'm relating it to Aaron Burr. If you watch the one animatic of "The Room Where It Happens," done by ****exadorlion** **on YouTube, you can see all of the symbolism, and towards the end of it, Burr is sick of tired of the fact that he always waits for it, so in the video he shoots himself (figuratively, not literally) because he hates who he was before and regrets it, and vows to seize the opportunity, which he does in the next song. I just think this applies to me because I just kinda wish I was a completely different person, I guess. If this is starting to sound like self-hate, well, you're not wrong. Writing really helps me and that's why I wrote this. They're my thoughts as well as Burr's. **

**Staged towards the end of "the room where it happens."**

Burr's POV

XXX

It has come to my mind, that, after long consideration and observations of myself, I wish to die.

Not literally, of course, because my current position in this mess of politics we have gotten ourselves into prevents it, unless I give consent to allow my nation to descend into pure chaos. But my position is of no importance in this story that will become history. I am the one who watches from the side, who does not do any real work. In truth, this country has the ability to overcome her trials and continue to run towards her goal without me. I am of no importance whatsoever.

I let myself believe that I had meaning to this constitution. That the president needed me and I was not simply a person who was there, who refrained from contributing to any great decision being decided. Someone who is truly of no importance, who is not needed. Not by the president, not by my fellow politicians, and certainly not by my nation.

I wish this could be a celebration of sorts. A declaration of a new person in me who takes the chance and seizes the opportunity. A person who is always willing to try something new, to rise above when no one else will. To make a point and be of more importance. That is the person I wish I could be. But it is also the person I will never be.

Could it hurt me to try? Say something new. Go beyond the original. Make them listen. But, no matter how hard I am able to try, I fear I will not meet my goal and simply make a fool of myself by acting in a different manner than what they are accustomed to. It might come across as childish or irrational if I try and fail, which is most likely to happen. I do not want to put myself through that sort of humiliation, which is the reason nothing has been tried yet.

Things have been occurring so quickly lately. One event after another takes place, and here I am, trapped, wondering about the intent of my heart and its feelings. I have always been observant, taking in everything but never outputting anything. Now it is all happening so fast that if I do not make a stand, somewhere, soon, I will be left behind and trampled under the feet of Jefferson and Hamiltona and their furious debates.

Would that be so terrible? I have a family who loves me, and I know they would wish for nothing more than to have me at home with them, finished with politics and this mess of a country. It would not affect, perhaps even benefit the nation if I were to disappear. It would certainly benefit Alexander, who would not even consider the notion of stepping aside.

Would I change my personality for this? It would affect my family and nearly everyone who knows me. How many sacrifices must I make in my lifetime? How far am I willing to go?

I have been content until Alexander appeared in my life. Ever since then, there has been this nagging voice inside of my mind. I tells me that I am not important, and, even if I were important, I would not be sufficient enough. I will never be sufficient enough. The circumstances will not affect it. My desires will not affect it. That is the truth, and nothing will change it.

If that is the truth, then there is no purpose or meaning to doing anything. For me only, nothing will ever matter again. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. Everything will continue to run, like a well-oiled machine, without me. I am a small gear in this contraption. If I am gone, nothing will change and everything will be fine. In fact, it might even be better. The men who truly control this nation will be better off if I am no longer bothering their minds as a potential threat.

I used to be able to believe that I could change that. I told myself it would be easy to step forward and lead for one time in my life. It would be simple, saying something that made the papers, that truly caused someone to consider me. But I am in the shadows as a nobody. An unimportant person who watches from the side. A man who wishes but never does.

I am almost able to hear Alexander's voice mocking me if he knew my train of thought at this time. He knows exactly what he wants and he has the means to accomplish it, while I, for the time being, do not even know who I am. But I do not need Alexander to mock me and bring me down when I am doing it just fine by myself.

I know that I want to win. That is nearly the desire of everyone. But the question of how is a different matter. I know I could not back not. It was not as if I did not have the ability to, it is simply that I cannot. I know that if I sit back and wait for it at this point, nothing would come of it and I would not be able to benefit at all. And I know that I have to take a stand at some point, somewhere, sometime.

But I do not know what I want.

How to weld these truths together with the thoughts that swirl about my mind? I must connect the logical with the sensational, but one truth is unfinished.

In all the darkness that I have thought, in the shadows where I lie, from the side from which I watch, there is something that stands out. Something that stands apart from the rest of my respiteless reflections.

What I truly wish for. To kill who I was before. He is a hated person, especially from himself.

Perhaps this can be a celebration. A declaration of someone other than who I was before and of who I no longer wish to be.

I want to be an important person.

A part of the next event of our nation. A piece in the puzzle of our history. Someone who participates in the action that will decide our future.

I will change my personality for this goal. I have the ability. Sacrifices are unimportant in this scheme.

If it fails this time, then my wish may leave the figurative stage and become literal.

I must succeed.

**So...yeah. Please review. **


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